


The Kids From Yesterday

by starstruckandmetal



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Two Shot, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 03:44:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16967040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstruckandmetal/pseuds/starstruckandmetal
Summary: When Levi, Isabel, and Furlan join the Survey Corps, you're one of the captains in charge of keeping an eye on them and overseeing their training. They remind you of the past, and it's difficult for your heart to stay away from them, even when your mind is saying that they probably won't survive, so keep them at an arm's length. They're just like everyone else.





	1. The Kids From Yesterday

Furlan Church was easily the most likable of the three, calm and levelheaded, but not so stoic that he was boring to be around. Beneath the confidence there was genuine kindness, he obviously wanted the best for his friends. He took training seriously, thought his actions through, and worked well with his teammates, although, he very clearly respected his two companions more than any leader, and would obviously choose them before anything else.

Isabel Magnolia, on the other hand, was easily the most annoying. Unlike Furlan, she couldn't take anything seriously, she always made jokes, her stubbornness was unmatched, and her high energy was difficult to keep up with. The more time you spent with her, the more your head would hurt, you found. However, the girl was passionate, honest, and like Furlan, worked well in a team and didn't shy away from danger if it meant protecting someone.

Then there was Levi Ackerman. He was quiet, didn't speak unless there was something worth saying, or to let an insult fall off his tongue- a trait you could respect. He didn't shy away from a challenge, in fact, he did better when challenged, as if he felt the need to prove himself. Although harsh, he was a skilled soldier and you knew he'd make a great leader one day. He was the most talked about of the three, equal parts praise and discouragement. Some of your associates believed he alone was a massive edge over the titans, while others believed he was too arrogant, and would get himself or others killed.

You couldn't help but see a little bit of yourself and your old squad in those three. You shared Levi's sharp tongue and silence, and Furlan reminded you so much of Rex, calm, but able to be just as humorous as Lee, maybe more so on a good day. Then every time you looked at Isabel, you could see Lee's eyes staring back at you, his red hair glinting the same way in the sunlight. The day you realized that, you began to wonder if that was the reason you disliked her the most. You shook your head, hoping to clear your mind, and decided not to think about it anymore. 

 

When Erwin first told you of the strays he'd dragged in, you were shocked and even a little bit disappointed. After all, these were the best he could find? Street rats from the underground, criminals? Your concerns faded away the minute you watched them use 3DMG to attack the titan dummies, all three of them quickly and easily making deep slices into the nape of the neck. They were skilled, both with a sword and the gear, and you chuckled to yourself. That would teach you to second guess Erwin.

The first time you spoke to them, you couldn't help but laugh. You found the trio and congratulated them. When you walked up, the three immediately stopped talking and regarded you with curious, but cautious stares.

"Don't worry, I'm not here to lecture you, or tell you to get to work, or demand that you work on polishing your skills like I would any other trainee," you said with a wave of your hand and a smirk, "but I gotta say, I wasn't expecting that much from you three, but I guess that'll teach me to question Erwin's judgement, and it'll teach me a thing or two about underestimating kids. You three are damn good, I'll give ya that," you leaned in now to say, quietly for only their ears, "You're probably better than just about every other trainee in your year." You chuckled and leaned back as Isabel began to speak.

"What can I say!" She bragged, "We're just the best at what we do! Natural talent!" With a laugh, she continued. "Just kiddin'! We practiced a lot in the underground, lotsa buildings to practice, Furlan and I are damn good, but it took a lot of work." Turning to Levi, Isabel's eyes became full of admiration. "Big Bro is the best though. If you were watching our training, I'm sure you know that. If any of us are just natural talent, it's him. He picked up on it a lot faster than us."

"Isabel, do you ever stop talking?" Furlan asked, amusement shimmering in his eyes.

"Hey!" She laughed, playfully shoving Furlan, while Levi regarded the two with a blank expression- almost blank, the affection he felt for the two was noticeable in his eyes.

For a minute, you weren't looking at Isabel, Furlan, and Levi, you were looking at yourself, 15 years younger, watching Rex and Lee laugh at one another, their sharp wit bouncing off each other. You felt your heart swell, until you were reminded of the brutal reality- they weren't actually here, and these kids just happened to be a cruel reminder the world sent your way. Although Furlan and Isabel continued to laugh and not pay you any mind, Levi noticed your silence, and stared at you with interest, almost like a the way a cat eyes a mouse. The minute you noticed him staring, you smiled, and patted Isabel on the shoulder, ignoring him, "Well, I like your confidence, and it's a good thing to have, but don't let it get the best of you. I'll see you kids around." 

 

You didn't speak to the three for awhile. In all honesty, you went out of your way to avoid them. You occasionally watched their training sessions, or if you ran into them walking down the halls of the compound, you might wave or nod your head, but you couldn't get the image of what you'd lost out of your mind long enough to try to hold another conversation with the three, and so, you left them up to Flagon, even if they might have preferred otherwise. Or at least, you tried to. 

It didn't take long for the the tug pulling at your heart to soften you up to them, and you found yourself asking Flagon or their other squadmates about how they were doing, if they were getting along with everyone okay, if they were still only getting better, if they seemed happy.

At dinner, you would listen to Flagon complain about their behaviors. That Levi was disrespectful and harsh, or that Isabel was giving him a headache, or that he couldn't understand how such a good soldier like Furlan could get stuck with such pain in the ass teammates. With every complaint, you merely rolled your eyes, every day your irritation becoming more noticeable, until finally, you snapped.

"Flagon, for the love of god would you please shut up? I know you don't like that they're ex-criminals from the underground, but please, they're skilled soldiers and they're working hard. You don't need to trust the three of them, but trust in our commander, he hasn't let us astray thus far, and I doubt he will. You however, seem intent on leading everyone's perceptions of these three astray. If you're not a good enough leader for the three, take it up with Commander Erwin, and find them a squad leader who'll actually do his damn job."

The man was left staring at you, a mixture of anger and shock on his face, as you stood up from the table and left.

 

You sat in your office, blinds drawn, preventing some of the bright sunlight from filtering into your office. Nonetheless, you could feel the warm rays on your back, and it took everything you had to keep your mind out of the past. Instead, you focused on the paperwork in front of you. Erwin had asked you to go over the reports about the new recruits and their strengths. As you made your way through the unfortunately short list, you dreaded the moment you would have to read through Levi's, Isabel's, and Furlan's.

A knock on the door echoed through the room, and without looking up, you flatly announced, "Come in."

The door opened and closed, and you glanced up to see Levi standing there. You looked back down at the papers in front of you, "Hello Mr. Ackerman, how can I help you?" you asked, checking off the report in front of you, and putting it in a pile with the others you'd finished, seeing the stack of four or five other profiles. _Almost done. Then I can get something to eat, and maybe a drink._

"I heard you talking to Flagon about us the other day." Levi said.

"I see. I'm sorry you had to hear what he had to say about you guys."

"I want you to be our squad leader."

"I-what?" you said, his words catching you by surprise.

"I want you to be our squad leader. You told him to talk to Erwin if he had a problem, do you think if I could ask Erwin?"

"Levi," you sighed, leaning back, "I'm really not cut out be squad leader, and I mostly said that to shut Flagon up because I was sick of hearing his complaints. Besides, I trust our Commander's judgement, he put you with Flagon for a reason."

"He's annoying. He's inept, at least compared to you. You're much more skilled than him, everyone says so. They say you're one of the strongest soldiers in the corps, that you've been here for 15 years. That's a long time to survive in the Survey Corps. You're the one who's worth learning something from." Levi said, irritation seeping into his voice.

"Levi, I'm sorry, but I'm really not cut out to be squad leader, I used to be one, a long time ago, but it's just not who I am anymore." You said, trying to keep an even tone. Your right leg began to shake, and you knew in that moment that you needed to get this kid out of your office and some alcohol in your system before you lost focus, and the memories started flowing.

"That's bullshit."

"Levi-"

"No, you go on expeditions. You have a squad. You're selective, but you have one." Levi interrupted. "With all due respect Squad Leader (Y/N), you have no reason to turn the three of us down. You said it yourself, we're some of the best you've seen."

"Talent and hard work doesn't equal experience." You said through gritted teeth, gripping your leg tightly, trying to control the shakes. "I'm sorry Levi, but I can't bring you three into my squad."

"Squad Leader-"

"No, Levi!" You said harshly, before taking a deep breath and repeating in a calmer tone. "I'm sorry, but my answer is no. That's my final word."

Slowly, you stood, and made your way to the door, trying to maintain a cool demeanor. You opened the door, and gestured for him to leave. "I'm not sure where you're going from here, but I'm making my way to the mess hall so I can get something to eat while I work all night. I'll talk to Erwin about finding you a different squad. If you'd like, you can walk with me to dinner, but otherwise, please return to your quarters."

 

You shut the door behind you and leaned against it, the bottle of whiskey clenched tight in your hand. Levi had walked with you in silence, neither of you saying a word, the entire way suppressing the panic threatening to bubble up out of your throat. You kept your thoughts focused on the here and now, tapping your fingers together, a reminder that you were alive, that you were okay.

You turned the lock on the door and sat down at the desk, opening the bottle and taking a sip. A sip turned to swig, and swig turned to chug, and as you read through the remaining reports, your vision blurred and the words began to float off the paper. As you made your way through, you tried desperately to focus on the warmth in your belly and the writing on the pages. The shaking of your leg began to ease, and slowly, you began to calm down.

You put the second report on the pile and found Levi's name staring back at you. You clenched your teeth and read through the report, hoping and praying it would be short, although of course, it was anything but.

_Levi Ackerman_

_Male. 29._

_Ackerman is skilled at just about everything, horseback riding, using the 3DMG, making the kill strike on the_

_titan dummies. He's capable of great feats both on his own and in a group, although he struggles to work with_

_those who aren't Magnolia or Church. He's not talkative and this causes communication problems with his fellow_

_members of the corp. His prowess in battle can't be compared to anyone except for Squad Leader (Y/N) and her_

_late squad members Rex and Lee. He has incredible promise._

The report went on to detail the tricky moves he was able to pull off with the gear although you only read a few more lines before checking it off and marking it as done, then taking another long swig from the bottle as you felt the shakes begin to come back at the words about your squad.  _(Y/N), you're alive. You're here. You're safe. You're in your office. You're here. You're alive._

You finished the last two reports with the same difficulty, the entire time comparing Isabel to Lee and Furlan to Rex, your heart aching. Like Levi, you couldn't finish their profiles, instead opting to check them off without commentary and without finishing reading. You stacked the papers and put them all into files, then put the nearly empty bottle into your desk. You would take these to Erwin, then come back, finish the bottle, and hope for a dreamless sleep. As you stood up, you felt the room begin to spin, and you sat back down. Maybe that would wait until tomorrow. 

 

You awoke to a banging that made your head pound, your head slumped on your desk, the empty bottle beside you. You glanced at the clock to see it was 7 in the morning on the dot. You sat up slowly, your neck aching from the position you fell asleep in. You grabbed the bottle and slipped it into your desk, careful not to let anyone see what had become of you.

"Come in." You called out weakly.

The door opened to reveal Erwin Smith standing that, concern on his face, and maybe a hint of agitation, you stood up and gave the best salute you could muster in your current state, before slumping back into your chair when he waved his hand.

"(Y/N), would you care to explain to me why Levi Ackerman came to my office last night asking for you to be his squad leader?"

"I told him not to." you hissed, pinching the bridge of your nose between your thumb and forefinger. "He doesn't like Flagon, and he doesn't think Flagon deserves to be their squad leader, he came to me last night asking me to take him, Magnolia, and Church into my squad. I said no."

"Why is that? You see, he told me he asked you quite respectfully, and you said you were no longer a squad leader, when last I knew, you had a squad." Erwin's eyes narrowed. "He also said you thought they didn't have enough experience, which I find odd. You've never shied away from new squad members before, even if they weren't the most skilled. Care to explain why these three are so different? Do you not trust your commander's judgement?"

"No sir!" you said "I just don't feel like they'll fit in with my squad."

"I see." he said, walking up to the desk. "May I also ask why you didn't have these papers to me last night? Or at the very latest, this morning? It's rather clear to me that you fell asleep right at this desk last night."

 _He knows._ You thought to yourself.

"I was just tired."

"Don't play games with me and beat around the bush, (Y/N)." he sighed, pulling a chair up and sitting down across from you. "We've talked about this. Over and over again. You can't keep letting the past control you, and you definitely cannot keep drinking like this. I've seen and had enough hangovers in my life to know that you've got a major one, so tell me, how much?"

"One bottle." You whispered.

"I understand that loss is terrible. I understand the trauma you endured that day. However, I will not have a squad leader who can't function. I told Levi that he and his friends would be put in your squad if the upcoming expedition goes south. I expect you to deal with whatever misgivings you have towards them, and prepare yourself in case they join you." Erwin stood up and grabbed the stack of reports. "You're also to stay here all day and rest. You're clearly in no shape to be helping the new recruits polish their skills, nor do I believe you'll be able to do any amount of paperwork efficiently in your current state"

You bowed your head in shame, your cheeks burning as Erwin continued, "Levi will be here in the late morning. He'll make sure you don't try to work yourself, and I expect you to apologize for your behavior last night. The expedition was approved, and we leave in 3 days. Tomorrow, I expect you to be at your best, and I'll have a stack of paper work for you at 6:00 sharp, if you are not in my office at that time sober and focused, there will be consequences. Now, go rest. You look dead." 

Erwin left without a word, and you crawled into bed, pulling the covers up to your nose, and drifting off to a restless sleep.

 

You opened your eyes to the closing of a door and nearly jumped out of bed. You looked up to see Levi standing there, his face blank. You closed your eyes to gather yourself before speaking up, "I'm sorry about last night, Levi."

"Erwin said you were drunk."

"I was."

"He said you'd have a hangover."

You cringed, "I do."

Levi walked over and thrust a glass of water towards you. You could only stare at the glass, then him, puzzled. You had expected him to demand an explanation, not offer you help... even if that was why he was here.

"Take it, idiot." He said, grabbing your hand and forcing the glass into it. "I'm not going to ask why you were drunk, or why you were so damn pissy, at least, not today. Do you need food?"

"No."

"Can you walk?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"I don't know why Erwin sent me here then."

"Me neither." 

Levi sat down in a chair near your bed as you drank the water he gave you. The minute it touched your lips you realized just how thirsty you were, and in moments it was gone.

"Squad Leader-"

"It's (Y/N)." 

"(Y/N), did Erwin talk to you about the expedition?"

"Yeah." You said. "We leave in 3 days."

"What's it going to be like?" 

Levi's voice was flat, and his expression unreadable as always, but his fist was clenched. You used to be the same way, when you were younger. He was scared, and even more scared to admit it. In that moment, you knew more about Levi as a person than anyone, except Isabel or Furlan. Levi was the leader, and he had to act like one, in the face of danger, he had to be brave, he had to be strong. He couldn't let himself be scared.

"It's going to be frightening." you said. "We'll be on horseback, split into teams. We'll communicate through flares. We try to avoid the titans to the best of our ability, but it's not always possible."

"How will I know what to do?"

"The leader of your team, Flagon most likely, will be giving orders. If you listen to him, you'll probably be okay." Did you tell the truth, or give the comforting lie?

"Don't lie to me to spare my concerns." Levi said flatly.

"People will die in front of you." you said. "It could get chaotic. You might be covered in so much blood, you don't know if it's your friends', the titans', or yours. I don't know, I never have, but all we can do is put all our trust in our abilities and our teammates. Sometimes you'll be faced with impossible choices, to abandon the bodies of your allies to escape-" your leg began to shake, and you dug your fingers into your thigh, "Or you'll have to abandon your friends to get help because they're dropping like flies, and you don't know what the right answer is. All we can do is believe we won't regret the choices we make."

 

The expedition was rainy. The water poured from the sky and mist crept into the edges of your vision like horror movie setting. When the downpour began, you didn't realize just how accurate the thought was, no, you didn't realize that until your horse neighed in fear, as your squad approached Levi Ackerman, standing alone, surrounded by the corpses of fallen Survey Corps members, blood staining the body of the man who took cleanliness so seriously, his head tilted towards the ground. 

"Stop! Everyone, wait here!" You shouted, before sliding off your horse and walking up to Levi. As you got closer you saw a sight almost as horrible as the one you'd seen 10 years ago. Isabel Magnolia's head lay on the ground, horror still etched onto her face, her once wide, lively eyes empty, devoid of amusement, or confidence, or admiration for her friends. Blood pooled around it, her hair and face covered in mud from the ground as well as blood spatters that could have belonged to her, her teammates, or the titan Levi had brutally killed. Cast aside like nothing, was Furlan's upper body only a few feet away, pain written on his own face, his limbs limp, his eyes just as empty as Isabel's. His organs spilled out of his body, where the titan had bitten him in half.

Levi stood there, his hands gripping broken blades, his teeth gritted. You rushed up to him and wrapped your arms around him tightly, comfort he didn't respond to.

"Levi... Levi I'm sorry we have to go." you said, trying to keep your voice from quivering.

He said nothing, and you grabbed his chin, tilting his face to look at you, he dropped the blades and shoved you away, staring at you with the most intense anger you'd ever seen, but still remained silent.

"Squad Leader, titans are approaching!" a voice called from behind you, and you lifted your head to see the faint silhouettes coming towards you. Without thinking, you whistled for your horse, and shoved Levi towards it, as you drew your swords.

"Levi, go. Get on my horse, now."

He merely stood there and stared at Isabel and Furlan's remains. In frustration, you grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look at you,

"Levi, they're gone. There's nothing you could have done, and nothing you can do now. You did everything you could. All that's left to do is live on for them. They wouldn't want you to die here the same as them. They'd want you to live your life and give the titans hell." Your voice broke, as you pushed him towards the horse. "Go. I'll get back to the group okay. You're more important."

Levi stared at you, blankly, although this was different from his normal expression. It was broken. He looked lost, angry, and heartbroken all at once, tear tracks left lines through the blood spatters on his face, and his steely eyes were glossed over with tears he was desperately holding back. You grabbed his hand and squeezed it, "Please, Levi. Go."

He listened to you, climbing up on your horse, but not moving. You urged the horse towards the others, and called out to one of your squadmates, "Get out of here! Go back to the nearest group! Don't worry about me!"

Your horse ran off towards the others, and you watched Levi crane his neck to look at you, confusion written all over his face. You smiled and waved, before leaning down to cut the patches off of Furlan's jacket, and stuffing it into your pocket. Isabel's body was gone, but you could at least give him Furlan's. You then turned to the silhouettes which now had come clearly into view.

Two. You could do this. You'd done worse. They weren't particularly big. If you took a hit, you'd likely survive it, so long as you weren't grabbed. You just had to be quick. You didn't even need to beat them, just buy time for your squad. As they came into view you launched yourself at them, pulling yourself up towards the largest first, swinging around it's right hip to its back, ducking your head under the arm that reached for you. As you swung around behind it, you unhooked yourself from it and instead latched on to its upper back, just below the nape, then pulled yourself up, using your momentum to go into a spin and slice deep into the nape of the creatures neck, then disengaging as it began to fall to the ground, instead, locking onto the other.

This one was smaller, which felt easier, until you realized a moment too late that you were falling too fast to change direction, that its outstretched hand was coming to grab you. You went into another spin and sliced through the fingers, and as you came back around you realized its other hand was coming for you, and you had no way to counter it. You closed your eyes waiting for an impact that never came. 

Instead you heard an enraged yell, and the sound of a blade slicing through flesh, you opened your eyes to see Levi, having sliced through the titan's nape, swinging back around towards you and the ground, one of his arms wrapped around your waist to bring you safely to the ground beside him. Without a word, Levi whistled and called your horse over to the two of you, while you gazed at him in awe.

"Don't look so surprised." he said. "You said yourself I was one of the best."

As the two of you rode back to the rest of the Corps, you realized that your leg hadn't shook once.

 

You returned from the expedition alive, but not unscathed. You'd lost too many people to say that. You pulled Levi aside upon your return and pressed the patch into his hand, before promising to see him later at the memorial for those who'd been lost. You then went to your office, stopping in the mess hall to grab the first bottle of alcohol you saw. In the moment, the image of Isabel and Furlan hadn't torn you apart, all you were thinking about was Levi. Once the immediate danger was over and you had regrouped, the images of Lee and Rex's crumpled bodies began to float into your mind, and it took all of your willpower to push them out. 

You drank this bottle slowly, just enough to get a buzz, then corked it and put it in your desk, swearing you wouldn't touch it again that night, and busied yourself with paperwork, writing letters to the families of your fallen squad members. Ellie Haven, Evan Mistfall, Kris Ledger, Rika Long, Allison Benel, Christopher Renalto, and so many others. You promised the families that they'd died for a good cause and as you sealed the final envelope, you began to wonder if they had. You ran your fingers through your hair and looked at the clock, seeing that it was about time you headed down to the memorial, even if you didn't want to. A sigh escaped your lips as, nonetheless, you got up from your desk, but not without sneaking another long sip of the alcohol that you desperately hoped would keep the nightmares at bay.

You put on a stoic face as you walked to the memorial, and bowed your head in front of the fire, paying your respects to the fallen squad mates who you'd considered friends, even family. As you walked away, your eyes searched the crowd for Levi, only to find him in the way back, nearly invisible in the shadows of the buildings. 

"Levi, I'm sorry." you said, walking up to him. "How are you holding up?"

He grunted in response. All the feelings you'd seen washing over his face while on the expedition were gone as he stared at the flames flickering across the the courtyard.

"I know how you feel, so I understand you probably wanna be alone, but if you need me... I'll probably be up late tonight. Just knock." You said, clapping a hand on his shoulder before walking away, and returning to your office. 

Next order of business was to write up a report on your squad's activities. Your heart wrenched and the shakes resumed as you recounted the discovery of Flagon's fallen squad, and the few survivors of the massacre. You'd taken a team back to the site, where you'd found three other survivors, not including Flagon, whose body couldn't be recovered.

Upon completing the report, you took another swig. You couldn't get the images of Levi out of your mind. You two were far more alike now than before, and that certainly wasn't a good thing, but it didn't matter. You pulled a sheet of paper from beside you and began to write the letter to Erwin. You hardly thought about what you were writing as you filled out your request, if it could be called that. It sounded more like a demand. You were going to have Levi on your squad, and that was that.

As you finished it, you leaned back in your chair, staring ahead of you at nothing at all, as your thoughts consumed you.  _Could I have saved them? If I'd have asked Erwin for them on my squad, would they have lived? Did I doom Furlan and Isabel to a terrible fate, and Levi to a lifetime of guilt? All because I was selfish and afraid of the past. I should have known better._

You looked down at your leg, shaking worse than before, and took another swig. You stood up, and limped to your dresser, pulling off your dress shirt and pants, and instead putting on a plain shirt and sweatpants, leaving the clothes discarded on the floor. You grabbed the bottle and stared at the stack of letters to parents and siblings whose loved ones wouldn't be coming home, the people who if they were lucky might be getting a limb or two to bury. Most of them would get nothing.

If only you'd been a smarter leader. If only you'd fought the titans that had taken their lives. You should have paid more attention to who was ready and who wasn't. 

A knock pulled you from the thoughts, and you stood up, opening the door, expecting Levi, and instead finding Erwin.

"Squad Leader (Y/N)." he said, peering into the room, seeing the bottle on your desk. "I hope you're in a decent state of mind."

"I'm... okay. Shaken up, but okay." You admitted, resting a hand on your thigh. "My leg's bothering me."

He nodded before speaking, "Maybe it's time you talked to someone about that."

"I-" you started, only to stop as he held up a hand.

"Not to me, I'm just here for the paperwork. Levi Ackerman just lost his two best friends. That's something you can understand. He's in the mess hall, drinking. Maybe you should pay him a visit." Erwin said.

You frowned and nodded your head, going to your desk to grab the papers, which you handed him. "Erwin?"

"Yes, (Y/N)?" 

"I want Levi on my squad."

"I thought you might say that. Very well." Then without another word, Erwin turned and left.

You pulled the door shut behind you, and made your way to the mess hall, bottle in hand. You weren't going to let Levi fall victims to the same vices you did.

 

You found him sitting alone at a table. The room was dark, the only light coming from torches in the empty hallway. Everyone was either in bed at this late hour, or still paying respects to their lost friends, not wandering the halls. He didn't even look up as you sat down beside him. The bottle in front of him, like yours, was half empty.

"You know, I lost my best friends too." You said, and without waiting for a response, you continued. "Their names were Rex and Lee. They were a lot like Furlan and Isabel. Isabel reminded me a lot of Lee, I suppose that's because he was a high energy redhead too." you chuckled. "We entered the trainee groups together, they were my first friends. We were always close. We went through training together, got the top 10 together, and found ourselves all joining the Survey Corps. It was a nice 2 years, until our first expedition.

The three of us were in a squad with 5 other people, and were attacked by an abnormal. We didn't have a choice, we had to fight, and by the end of it, the entire squad had died except for us 3. We barely made it out. Then we were ambushed. We were so focused on the abnormal, we didn't see the other titans coming. We'd never been on an expedition, we were 3 rookies, the sole survivors of our squad. Lee went first." The images came to your mind, your friend trying to crack a joke about the three of you being unkillable cockroaches as you swiftly dodged attacks, only to be snatched out of the air, and his limbs torn off, his horrified expression etched into your brain forever. "Then I was knocked out of the air, I hurt my leg pretty badly. I fell to the ground and while one titan killed Lee, the other grabbed Rex out of the air." That was the simple way of putting it. In reality, it had jumped into the air and bitten Rex's legs. Slowly, but surely, it chewed up Rex's body. You hoped by the time its teeth reached his chest, he was dead. The titan cast him aside and his corpse rolled over top of you. You had laid their hoping they wouldn't notice, and they didn't. They wandered off, forgetting about you. 

"I laid there for what could have been minutes or hours, Rex's blood soaking into my clothes. I managed to get up, find my horse, and get back to the group and survive the rest of the expedition. People praised me for being the sole survivor, but what they didn't know was that the only reason I survived, the only reason I'm here today is because the titans were too busy eating my best friends to notice me." Tears began to well up in your eyes, and your leg began to shake. You squeezed the bottle in front of you until your knuckles turned white, but you continued speaking, even if your voice quavered. "You three reminded me so much of Rex, Lee, and I... that's why I didn't want you on my squad. Seeing you three... it was like looking at an old picture of my friends and I."

"Why does your leg shake?" Levi asked, looking down.

You hadn't realized it was bad enough that he'd noticed, but you answered nonetheless, "The doctors say it's a physical response to anxiety, if I'm reminded."

He nodded his head and didn't say anything else. He reached towards the alcohol in front of him, and you grabbed it before he could, setting it out of his reach. "That's not the answer. I know I'm not one to talk, not after the other night, but trust me," You said, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder, "that's not the answer to the feelings you have inside you. Isabel, Furlan, Rex, Lee. They wouldn't want us to kill ourselves by drinking away our livers. They'd want us to fight. With every passing day, I miss Rex and Lee more and more, and I just wish I could be with them one more night to tell them I love them, and thank them for everything they did for me." 

Your hand slid down his arm to his hand, he jumped, but didn't pull away as he lifted his head to look at you, "Levi, I'm sorry it ended this way, but if I can do anything, just let me know. I... I don't know. Somewhere along the way, seeing you, Isabel, and Furlan. Something about you three softened my heart. You remind me so much of myself, and I care for you. I want the best for you. I don't want you to go down a path of alcoholism and suppression, running from the past and never facing it head on."

His hand squeezed yours as he looked into your eyes, "Why did you force me onto that horse?"

"I couldn't let you die. I wasn't going to fail to save you like I did my friends. I don't know, Levi. You're everything I value in a person, you're strong and capable, you're kind, even if you have a funny way of showing it, or sometimes just flat out don't know how. You cared so much for Furlan and Isabel. You're not out for just yourself, you try to help everyone around you. I don't know. You three were tugging at my heartstrings from day one, and no matter how hard I tried to keep you at an arm's length, I couldn't do it. I found myself watching your training sessions, talking about you to Erwin, or Flagon. You came into my office and you wanted so badly to work with me and as much as I wanted to say yes, I was terrified of getting you killed because of my mistakes. So when the time came to save you, I did."

Levi stared at you for a few moments, long enough that you began to feel uncomfortable under his stare, only to be taken aback when he threw his arms around you and buried his face in your neck. The hug lasted only a few moments, but you appreciated that he was expressing his distress rather than suppressing it like you did. When you felt his hot tears on your neck, you shed some of your own, wiping them away when the two of you pulled apart. You smiled softly and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight." Levi confessed.

"Me neither." You sighed. "We'll figure something out. Come on, for now, let's go to my office. Maybe you can help me sort through my paperwork, figure out what I've got to get done tomorrow."

Levi stood up and walked out of the mess hall, as you did, you spared one last glance back at the table where the two bottles of alcohol sat, now abandoned, and looked towards Levi who was already walking down the hall, and you smiled. 

 

You awoke a few hours after falling asleep to Levi's back, the man hanging halfway off the bed in an attempt to give you space. You couldn't help the laugh that escaped you, which prompted him to turn and look at you in confusion.

"Levi," you laughed, "You don't have to fall off the bed. I don't bite." 

"I-I-"

"Oh stop it." you sighed, sleepily pulling him all the way onto the bed beside you, ignoring the red that covered his cheeks. "Get some actual sleep, now that you're actually on the bed." Your arms wrapped around his lean frame and pulled him close to you, your face nestled into the crook of his neck. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around you too, and leaned his cheek against the top of your head, letting out a quiet sigh before pressing his lips to the top of your head. 

That was the first night in 13 years that you had slept easy after an expedition.


	2. The Light Behind Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Levi returned from the expedition alive and nursing your own wounds, both physical and psychological. You've sought comfort in one another, and found a middle ground between friendship and a relationship. Finally, Levi opens up to you.

It had been three weeks since the expedition, and you and Levi had busied yourself with work, when he wasn't training, he was helping you with paperwork, when you didn't have much to do, you were training with him. Levi had been put on your squad, and he'd quickly proven himself stronger than anyone, maybe even you. You supposed, one day, he'd take over for you, either when you were unable to continue in the corps due to injury or age, or, worse, if you died.

He understood the responsibility a squad leader had, and seemed highly capable of staying on top of it without the help you occasionally needed. You couldn't help a swell of pride every time he completed a report, or learned a new trick with the 3DMG, especially if he did so with you.

Your feelings for Levi were complicated in the night since the two of you fell asleep together. When you awoke, you went about your business, not saying anything about the heart to heart shared the night before, and no trace of Levi's previous vulnerability on his face, and in the days since, you hadn't seen anything akin to it, and you hadn't prompted anything else from him, but that didn't mean you didn't want to talk to him, which thankfully, he seemed to reciprocate. You couldn't help the flutter of your heart every time he made a halfhearted attempt at a joke, nor could you keep affection from seeping into your voice if you talked about him to Hange. 

It was getting late you noticed, stretching your arms above your head. Erwin was bugging you about trying to get allowance to have another expedition, and you were trying to put it off as long as possible. In the past 15 years, you'd found yourself on many expeditions, but this is the only one that drained and scared you as much as the first. If you were honest with yourself, yes, it was because you didn't want Levi to have to go through it again with barely three weeks to come to terms with the deaths of his best friends, but also because you yourself didn't feel confident or ready to go back out there and witness the death and blood all over again.

You glanced at the clock again, and frowned when you realized just how late it was, and that you hadn't seen anything of Levi that day. It was odd, but you paid it no mind. He was, you hoped, asleep, and getting into a better mental state, not needing your company as much. You stood from where you sat and discarded your clothes on the floor without a care, merely grabbing the largest shirt you had and a pair of shorts and pulling them on before dropping onto your bed, falling asleep almost the minute your head hit the pillow.

 

You awoke with a start, the tears already running down your face. You pulled your knees up to your chest and covered your mouth with your hand, trying to choke back the sobs that desperately sought to escape. Although the sheer terror you felt when you initially awoke began to ease into panic, the shaking of your leg began again.

And so, you did what you always do when the nightmares inevitably came back, you scrambled out of bed, and let your feet carry you to the mess hall's storeroom, and let your hand reach for the bottle. As your fingers brushed against the glass, the thought crossed your mind that you'd done so well the past three weeks, and aside from that first night, you hadn't tried to drink the fear away once, but it wasn't enough to stop you from bringing it back to the room with you, your fist clenched tightly around the neck of the bottle.

The nightmare came to the forefront of your mind, even as you drank away the last half bottle of whiskey at 3 in the morning, Rex's blank eyes staring at you, blood spilling from his mouth as he tried desperately to beg you to save him, Lee on your other side, pleading for you to take the pain away, whimpering that he didn't know where his legs were. You shuddered, and the tears threatened to spill again. You finished the bottle, and despite the warmth in your stomach, your heart was cold, your fingers were still numb, and you couldn't make the panic go away. You squeezed the bottle tightly trying to make everything just go away.

You barely registered the urgent series of knocks on the door, before it opened, revealing Levi standing in the doorway, his eyes wide, tears falling from them. He was dressed in wrinkled pajamas, his hands hanging limply by his sides, shaking. His hair was tangled, as though his fingers had been running through them.

"(Y/N)." he stammered weakly, standing there, obviously not knowing what to do with the sight before him.

"Levi. Levi I'm sorry, I... I don't wanna talk about it." you whispered shakily, before turning all of your attention to him. You made your way to him, leaving the bottle on the desk, and pushing the door shut before grabbing his shoulders, "A-are you okay?" you asked.

"I... had a nightmare." he said. "I've had them almost every night, but never this bad. It was like I was right there again. I watched it happen and they begged for me to help, but I couldn't move and I just had to watch them think I'd abandoned them." his voice shook, but he kept going. "I would never have done that. Never."

"I know. They know." You struggled to find the words, the alcohol making your brain fuzzy, the sorrow in your chest, and the panic that still told you something was wrong preventing you from thinking properly.

"Levi, we couldn't have done any more than we already did. We did everything in our power." you said. You could feel your voice wanting to slur, and desperately tried to keep it back. 

Panic bubbled up for a new reason now. You were the senior soldier, even if you were the same age as Levi, and here you were falling apart at the seams, at a moment when he needed you. 

"Don't say that, I know we did everything!" Levi snapped. "I'm sick of hearing 'You did everything you could.' When I didn't!" Levi's tears began to fall faster, and now you weren't sure if they were from pain or anger. "I left them alone, and they died because I wasn't there! I might as well have abandoned them, whether I meant to or not!"

"You didn't." You cursed yourself for failing like this, but forced yourself to keep talking as you reached for his hand, shocked when he didn't recoil. "People die Levi. They'll continue to. All we can do is grow stronger. One day, I'll fail and I'll die in battle, or succumb to disease, but you must grow stronger from it, not stay trapped in the dark, drinking it away like I did for so many years, because then it becomes a habit, and it's the only thing you know." You squeezed his hand tightly. "Don't let them take the light inside you."

Levi stared at you, anguish in his eyes, before he pulled you into a hug. You rested a hand on the back of his head, holding him tightly against you, feeling his shoulders shake, and you couldn't stop the tears of your own that dripped down your face, nor could you keep the sob inside you, as Levi's hands grabbed fistfuls of your shirt. The two of you slowly sunk to your knees, but didn't let go of one another.

 

You stopped crying first. You had alcohol in your system working hard to dull your pain, and you'd seen years of this. You'd lost squad members over and over, and the pain of losing Rex and Lee, as much as it still ached to this day, had become bearable. 

Levi, on the other hand, was still new to the pain of losing allies. When your tears stopped, and your panic eased, and your mind began to clear, only fuzzed by alcohol, Levi went to let, go, only to fall against you as you squeezed your arms around him tighter, and the wave of tears continued to fall from his beautiful gray eyes. Your fingers traced circles on his back, and ran through his hair, trying desperately to give him some sort of comfort as the man fell to pieces in your arms. You hummed the lullaby your mother always used to sing, you tried everything that came to mind, and ever so slowly, but surely nonetheless, Levi calmed down, his sobs faded to sniffles then to deep, shaking breaths, and his grip on your shirt faltered. 

Finally, you pulled back from Levi, and smiled at him, leaning your forehead against his, "Levi, you'll never be alone. If you ever need me, come get me." 

"I know." his voice cracked as he spoke. "Thank you."

"Of course, Levi."

"You saved my life. You've been there for me twice now, even though you've had responsibilities the next day, or problems of your own-"

"Levi." you said. "In the most delicate way possible, I'm going to have to ask you to shut up. I'm your squad leader, but I'm also your friend. I'm happy to be here when you need me."

He was quiet for a moment before taking a deep breath and taking yours away with the words that left his mouth, "Is that all we are?"

"Levi-"

"(Y/N)." he said, looking you dead in the eyes. "In the most delicate way possible, I'm going to have to ask you to shut up." 

Without another word, Levi pressed his lips against yours in a soft kiss. One that warmed you from head to toe. 

 

You and Levi awoke late, but didn't rush to get out of bed, although he didn't say a word, not until you grabbed his arm as he went to leave, stopping him in his tracks, "Levi, are you okay?"

"I'm... fine." he said slowly.

"You're not acting like it."

"I... last night... I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds."

You shook your head, "Not at all."

"Are... are you sure?"

"Yeah." you said, giving him a bright smile. "Levi, you're dear to me. I tried so hard to stay away from you three, because it pained me to see what I once was, but I can't keep myself from caring about you."

The corners of his mouth curved upward into the smallest of smiles, and Levi pulled you into another hug, then pulled you into another soft kiss.

"I'll see you later." he said, before turning and leaving your room. 

A grin broke out across your face, and you looked out the window to see the sun shining brightly over the training grounds, full of Survey Corps soldiers polishing up their abilities, practicing with their friends. Even if the Survey Corps had endured a massive loss only three weeks ago, and was likely going to be going out within the next week or two, you couldn't help the hope that rose up in your chest. You had your squad, Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Levi. You were all working so hard together to link your abilities. You had friends. You had people you loved, and that was okay. If you cut off the loneliness, the pain, the fear, the hope, the love, and the joys of living are cut off too. There's no halfway point where you can shut out the bad and only feel the good. 

You walked to your desk and reached into the bottom drawer, pulling out the only thing in there, and setting the picture frame you hadn't looked at in years on your desk. You, Rex, and Lee, 15 years younger, you rolling your eyes while Lee and Rex laughed on either side of you. The frame wasn't anything special, but it held a memory you cherished safely within it.

You stood up and left the room, going to the training grounds where your squad would be, the squad that you hoped, one day, Levi would lead and protect.


End file.
